I love that show as well as all the other birth story shows. I think every mom-to-be has watched at least one episode. I get obsessive with watching them when I am around 8-9 months pregnant and it always seems like anything that can go wrong does on these shows. It can make you very paranoid.
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| Belly about 37-38 weeks |
I will give a little back story first, in case you are not familiar with her birth. I went in for my 37 week check up and it was discovered that she was transverse breech, meaning she was laying sideways with her bum sitting on my cervix, her head in my left side and her feet in my right. My appointment was on a Wednesday and the doctor scheduled me for a version, to try and flip the baby, that Monday. I was terrified. I had seen those done on the baby shows before and they always looked painful and didn't always work. The doctor told me if he was unsuccessful in getting her to turn he would have to schedule a c-section, worst case scenario he might have to do a c-section that day because versions can sometimes cause the babies distress. This only increased my terror, I had been adamant the entire pregnancy that I did not want a c-section unless it was 100% absolutely necessary.
Monday morning I got up bright and early, before the sun even. Arrived at the hospital and told them I thought she had turned on her own over the weekend because it really felt like she had. The nurse felt my belly and confirmed what I thought but had the doctor come in anyways. The doctor did an ultrasound and sure enough she had turned all on her own. I asked the doctor if he would please induce me right then and there. I was so miserable and fat and I was also concerned she might flip back since she was in the head down position at my 36 week check up. He said I was not far enough along at 38 weeks, I had to be at least 39 but that we would discuss it at my appointment that Wednesday.
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| Belly the morning of induction |
I should've known it was a bad idea to be induced. Those rarely ended well on TV, most moms ended up in the c-section room. She was head down though and I was anxious to meet her and to have the misery of those final weeks of pregnancy over with.
Tuesday we were once again up before the sun. The previous week had been excessively rainy and my Husband had fallen behind on his work. The plan was he would go with me for the beginning of the induction, then go to work and come back by noon. He needed to get caught up and we desperately needed the money. We figured we would have a few hours and he was working close to the hospital so I could call him if things started to move faster than expected. That morning when we woke up I felt the familiar hard bump in my left side and I was worried she may have turned sideways again but I didn't voice this concern for fear of jinxing it all.
We got there on time, got all checked in and waited. We waited and waited and waited. Finally the nurse came in and told us the doctor was running late. My hubby decided he better leave so he could make it back in time. I really wish he would've stayed because everything after he left happened so quickly it was all a blurr to me for days, even weeks afterwards.
My husband left and within minutes of him leaving the doctor arrived. He did an ultrasound and yep, Tub-Tub was transverse breech again. He told me they were going to give me some drugs to relax my muscles and then he would perform the version. I tensed up preparing myself for the pain. He put the gooey gel all over my tummy and did 1 small tiny push and POOF she flipped. "WOW that was easy!" I thought. Sadly, a little too easy.
The doctor decided to break my water to induce the labor process. He told me after my water was broken they would start the IV drugs and my contractions would start soon after. As he went to break my water Tub-Tub flipped back into her breech position. So the doctor stopped what he was doing and flipped her down once more. Again, it only took 1 tiny push from the doctor but as soon as he took his hands off my belly she went right back.
At this point the doctor decided to break my water and then flip her. He said without all the fluid in there she would not be able to move as easily and it would create some suction to keep her head down. With Little Man and Smunchkin my water had broken spontaneously and this process was more painful than I could have ever imagined. It took all my strength to make myself lay in that bed and not punch the doctor in the face. The problem was my cervix was so high the doctor could barely reach it. He tried for almost 10 minutes before he finally got it. I never felt so much relief as I did when I felt it break and he stopped.
By this point I think I was going into shock. I started shaking uncontrollably and I felt dizzy and nauseous. The doctor assured me this was a side effect of the medication they had given me to relax my muscles for the version and it would go away. I knew the shaking was also normal for birth as I shook the entire time I was in labor with Little Man and Smunchkin.
The doctor flipped her again and this time she seemed to stay. They started the IV for pitocin. I asked if they could please wait and see if my body would do it all on its own since I had naturally gone into labor with my other 2. Both labors were triggered by my water breaking and both went very quickly. With Little Masn I had some mild contractions before my water broke and after my water broke I dilated from a 3 to a 10 in 6 hrs and took 45 minutes to push. I think my epidural was too strong with him because I could not feel myself pushing but since he was my first I assumed this was normal. With Smunchkin I had no contractions before my water broke and dilated from a 2 to a 10 in 4 hrs. I only had to push 2 times with her, but I could feel more this time. The doctor said they couldn't wait because this was much different than going into labor naturally. I have never been one to stand up for myself and I was concerned for my baby so I said ok. I was scared that the Pitocin was going to make the contractions more intense. It ended up not mattering anyways.
The fluid was steadily draining this entire time. It was so gross. It would not stop. The doctor and nurse both said I definitely had too much fluid in there. There was so much it was running off the bed and onto the floor. Just when I thought it had finally stopped I felt this weird sensation like a suction and a POP. I knew what it was instantly, the fluid rushed faster again and I said "I think she just flipped again" The doctor laughed and said surely not. He felt my belly and she was in fact back into the breech position. Luckily they had not taken the ultrasound machine out yet so once again the doctor put the gel on my belly and once again he flipped her with very little effort, although this time it was a tad more uncomfortable for me since there was not a lot of fluid. As soon as he flipped her the fluid became just a small trickle again.
I was expecting him to get up and walk away but he kept moving the ultrasound around looking at the baby. At first I thought he was just checking to make sure she was going to stay this time when he froze it and asked the nurse what she saw. The nurse looked at it and I knew it wasn't good by the look on her face. He told her to please start everything to prep me for a c-section. I almost jumped out of the bed when he said this. I instantly shot into panic mode. What did he mean c-section? She was fine, she was head down again and everything was fine. What was going on here?
I immediately started crying, where was my husband! I was all alone here and why did the doctor keep talking about a c-section to the nurse like I wasn't even there. I opened my mouth to protest but before I could get anything out he highlighted something on the ultrasound and then pointed out the umbilical cord to me. He told me that when he flipped her the last time the cord fell above her head and it was now laying in between her head and my cervix. He used a term I had never heard of, not even in the 100s of baby shows I had watched with each of my pregnancies. He called it a "prolapsed cord". He went on to say it was one of the best examples of a prolapsed cord he had ever seen, "completely text book" he called it. He even printed out a picture with the blood highlighted in the cord to make it apparent what it was and showed it to the nurses while they were prepping me for a c-section testing them to see if they could identify the problem.
I was still panicking and didn't pay much attention to what they were doing to me. I immediately called my husband, he hadn't been gone very long and was still at work. He was 30 minutes away. I relayed this to the doctor and the doctor told me they couldn't wait. I began to bawl, "what do you mean you can't wait?" I asked. This was not happening!
The doctor explained to me that a prolapsed cord is very dangerous. Normally when it presents a woman is dilated at least a centimeter or 2, sometimes fully, and part of the cord can slip into the cervix. The cervix then applies pressure onto the cord cutting off some or all of the blood supply to the baby. This is obviously very dangerous, cut off blood supply means cut off oxygen supply which can mean brain damage. The doctor then said that the only reason why I was not being rushed into the OR right now and put under general anesthesia was because I had not dilated at all and therefore nothing was being restricted "YET". He said they had time to get me prepped, get a spinal done and start the procedure but they couldn't wait anymore than that because at any moment I could dilate causing the cord to slip into my cervix. I called my best friend and then my mother-in-law and sister-in-law begging that someone try to get there. I was terrified as it was and I could not imagine going through this alone.
I had been updating on FB this entire time, every time she was flipped and flipped back and when the doctor said the dreaded word "c-section" so I at least felt like I had some support but it was nothing like actually having someone there. Friends on FB could not hold my hand and they could not go with Tub-Tub once she was born to make sure she was ok.
Part of me was angry. I was angry that this was even happening. Angry that I was going to be robbed of the beautiful moments after birth when they place the baby on your chest. Angry that I would miss out on bonding time because I would not be able to hold her or nurse her immediately after birth. Mostly I was angry that I was all alone while this was all happening.
The nurses came in and "prepped" me, they seemed a little rougher than necessary. I hope it was because they were worried about my babies safety, that's what I tell myself anyways. The nurse who shaved me was really rough, let me tell you that HURT!
I was just shaking and bawling uncontrollably by this point. I kept telling them I didn't want to do this, could they please wait for someone to get there. It didn't have to by my hubby but just please wait for someone. As they were wheeling me through the c-section doors she FLIPPED again. I told the doctor "she flipped! she flipped!" I was ecstatic at first. I thought since she had flipped it meant the cord was no longer in danger of prolapsing and this whole nightmare was over. I was hoping they could take me back to my room, start the IVs once again, flip her down again and just let things happen naturally. I started to relax.
We got into the room and they transferred me to the operation table. The doctor checked me and sure enough she had flipped back again. I started to breath a sigh of relief but before I could finish the doctor said "I think we should continue with the c-section, I don't think this baby will stay head down and you don't want further complications to arise if she flips into the breech position after you are fully dilated."
I wish I had been stronger. I wish I had been educated with cases like this but I wasn't. I had no clue what the odds were that she might flip again. She sure didn't seem to want to stay head down. I was weak and vulnerable and scared for my baby so I didn't even put up a fight. I just said "ok" and they gave me the spinal and before I knew it it was time to start the procedure, I was still all alone. I wish I had at least thought to ask them to wait for someone to arrive, but I didn't. I was on auto-pilot, it was almost like an out of body experience.
One of the main reasons I had been so scared of a c-section was because of how scary and rough they looked on TV. They always tell the mom-to-be "you may feel some pressure". Every time I had ever been told this by a doctor that "pressure" ended up being REALLY painful. I began crying again as they put the dreaded blue sheet up. One of the nurses, who obviously felt sorry for me, was holding my hand. She had my camera in her hand and was going to take pictures for me once the baby was born since there was no one there to do it for me. I turned to her as they started and she smiled and squeezed my hand. I told her I didn't want this and she said "I know honey but think of your baby, be strong for her" I turned towards the ceiling and just began praying. I asked Heavenly Father to please be with my baby, to protect her and to let this be as painless as possible.
Thankfully the pressure turned out to be just that, pressure. I could "feel" everything they were doing from the first cut but it didn't hurt.
Now, I have seen this done many MANY times on TV and after a few minutes passed from the time the doctor said he was making the incision on my uterus and there was still no baby I began to worry again. He must have sensed my worry because he peaked over the blue cloth at me and said she was really high up in there and was being stubborn and didn't want to come out. I laughed but I knew he was trying to make me feel better. Finally, after what seemed like forever he said he had her foot and a few seconds later she was out
She never did cry but I could tell she was ok. They cleaned her up and finally brought her over to me. My arms ached to reach out and just hold her. I wanted to nurse her and have everyone just leave us alone but that wasn't to be. They "closed me up" and took us both to recovery room. The nurse told me I was "lucky" my c-section happened when it did, they had just put a new policy into place that allowed mother and baby to go to the same recovery room instead of baby going to the nursery while mom went to recovery. I didn't feel very "lucky" though.
In the recovery room my husband, my best friend and my Mother-in-law were all waiting for me. The nurse said that normally only mom and dad are allowed in the room but she would let everyone stay because she knew I had been terrified and she knew they all had rushed and tried so hard to get there in time.
While in the recovery room they never let any of us hold her. She was making these little sighing noises that we all that were adorable, but never cried. After commenting over and over again how cute we all thought the noises she was making were the nurse told us they were actually a sign of respiratory distress. DISTRESS, WHAT! That is not a word you want to hear associated with your baby who is not even an hour old yet. That did explain why were were not allowed to hold her though.
After what seemed like forever, but was probably only an hour or so, we were moved to our room. They transferred me to my bed and it was at that moment I first noticed the pain in my abdomen. This fiery stinging pain that felt like I was being ripped open. I was terrified I had ripped some stitching or something. they assured me it was normal and asked me if I wanted anything for the pain. I hate medications and usually turn them down, I didn't even take them with my first kidney stone so trust me when I say I was in PAIN! I said yes to the meds, but it took them several more hours to get them to me.
By the time we were all settled and I tried to nurse, Tub-Tub was in that sleepy phase newborn babies enter and I could not wake her up long enough to get her to nurse. She was not able to latch on until the next afternoon. After being unsuccessful the entire first day of trying to nurse her I was worried she would have nursing problems like Little Man did. I had to pump my milk and give him finger feedings for the first 3 weeks before he finally learned to latch and nurse on his own.
I have had over 4 months to reflect back upon my experience now. It was hazy at first and clouded by a lot of fear. I was convinced that the c-section was the only option given the circumstances of her birth. However, as I look back on it now I wonder if there was more I could have done to be my own advocate. I am no longer 100% convinced the c-section was necessary since she did flip on the way into the operating room freeing the umbilical cord and no longer placing her in danger. In my desire to never experience a c-section I never really researched them and only knew the little I saw on TV. I feel like if I had been more educated I would have felt stronger about stopping the c-section once the danger had passed. Who knows, it may have still ended in the same way but at least I would not have been alone for the entire thing.
We would like to have 1 more baby, but not for another 2-3 years. My husband and I would both like to try for 1 more boy, so if we do try it will probably be a girl. I know one thing though. I am going to be more educated this time. I am going to advocate for myself and will be having a VBAC-Vaginal Birth after Cesarean. I will never again have a c-section unless it is 100% necessary and this time I will make sure it is in fact 100% NECESSARY.
I would rather go through labor naturally, with no drugs, than to ever experience the pain of a c-section. I will never understand why a woman would choose a c-section over labor for fear of the pain. Yes, you don't feel the c-section while its happening but the pain of healing afterwards is horrible. By far the worst pain I have ever felt in my entire life. I couldn't even walk fully erect and straight for 5 days. I had to walk slightly hunched over with a pillow on my abdomen to apply pressure or it would feel like I was ripping open with every step. There were so many times I was convinced I was going to look down and see some open wound because it felt like I had pulled it open. Give me labor pains ANY day!
Yes, I had an epidural with Little Man and Smunchkin BUT with Smunchkin it was only the last hour. Her labor went so fast I almost didn't get it and had I known it would be so fast I probably would have gone with out. At least with a vaginal birth you may be sore for a few hours, even a day or 2 after giving birth but its NOTHING like a c-section. With my other 2 within a few hours I was up walking and by the next day I felt fine. It took a month to recover completely from the c-section with the first week being the most excruciating pain I have ever felt in my life, 10 times as bad as any contraction I ever had.
In the end we had a very healthy baby girl and everyone says I should be thankful for that. I am thankful too. I thank Heavenly Father everyday for each of my babies. That does not mean I have to be thankful or happy about the way things happened and how she was born. I am not hanging onto it bitterly either, I am just beginning to questions things more. Its making me stronger for the next time around. I wanted to share it all with people in the hopes that maybe it will help another mom to stand up and be stronger than me and to questions things more instead of letting her fear take over and just going with the flow. I think if I hadn't been alone, if I had had someone there with me to help me bounce my questions off of I may have been better able to stand up for me and my baby. Enough of the "what ifs" this is what happened to me. Educate yourselves, don't let it happen to you too. Don't think you can just plan a beautiful birth in your head and it will happen that way. Plan for the "what ifs" prepare for them that way you will be able to stop things if you think they are going in a direction you do not want.
I had also planned on asking them to please not put the yucky goop in her eyes that they use on new babies. I was so out of it and in so much shock I totally forgot until they had already did it.
With all that said, here is my beautiful baby girl:
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